Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in danascat's LiveJournal:

[ << Previous 20 ]

Wednesday, May 24th, 2006
9:41 pm	The Devil Told Me to Write This... Because the Devil Told Me to Write This... I am easily amused. Oft...OH! Look, string!....Where was I? Oh yes, lately the object of my laughter is the number. 666. My god. I wrote it, a stunning Revelation and all. I have no belief that the world will end on 6/6/06, since no Rapture has occured, so I will gladly end my righteous fear of the date, by poking some fun at the Devil's number. However, this still is some proff that the Mark of the Beast could have some 6/6/06 connection. Arnold Schwhatsface is back up for primary re-election that date. "Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia".That is the phobia of the number 666. If you have this condition, I would advise you not read this article. I would also advise you to get a new hobby. Some interesting points to consider: Who knows about 666? Maybe Satan likes Soduku. "Let's see here...6 here. 6 here. But the last 6 could go in any of these boxes. DAMN THIS PUZZLE!!" Meanwhile, what does God like? He likes the number 999, of course. The Antichrist's assistant gets 333. According to Wikipedia, 666 is a nickname for Benzene Hexachloride, due to its C6H6Cl6. Perhaps this will concur with the "plague o' locuts over the land." Then again, TTT (this Tim Thoery) likely holds no water, since as below that bullet on Wikipedia's 666 page is this quote: "CSX Transportation currently has a GE AC6000CW with the number 666 and some of the crews hate that unit." But don't worry folks. I am here to propose a radical thoery. One that could very well bring the Apocolypse upon us, is it such a heresy. That would of course, be if more than three people are reading this blog. In reality, 666 is just a scapegope. Think, people in New Mexico actually complained that they highway they lived on was called U.S. 666. You know where it ends? I-40! 40 IS THE FLIPPING NUMBER!! HAVE YOU NOTICED THAT EVERYTHING BAD IN THE BIBLE HAS THE NUMBER 40 ATTACHED TO IT? The days of the flood? The number of days that Jesus sat in the desert? The years Isrealis wandered the desert? The number of the Coors Light race car? It's SOOOOO obvious. 40 is the bad number. Even further, 8 and 5 make up forty. What ever the hell....sorry....heck that has to do with it, I don't know. If 40 is bad, what is 666? We'll likely never know. Maybe it'll be the Antichrist's license plate number. We'll leave it to Dan Brown. And this time it won't be about the Louvre. (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 11th, 2006
9:36 pm	Lane-Guage Revolution: NASjARgon Yeah, since I’ve learned most of the languages that interest me, I’ll do what all scholars do: Make things up and have everyone belief you since you’re so smart. It’s happened before. We call it “math.” So, I have introduced NASjARgon. NASjARgon stresses two fundamental values needed to succeed in the short tracks in the area. 1. Speak like a durn redneck. 2. Combine all nouns possible into words that are NASCAR sponsors or NASCAR related. Too have NASCAR prefixes or suffixes, simply insert a dash in between it and the English word/piece. There is no Dick’s-tionary (example of dash usage). The best possible thing for translators to have is a NASCAR Sponsor Encyclopedia. Here are some simple selections for NASjARgon 101. See how you place on the placement test. Then comment with your score. I know with ten Qwestions you may need a calculator to do the percents. At least use one from Texas Instruments. 1. “GMAC, Barbasol mad at me, IES no not what to Dew. Any Sylvanias Ore Idas?” 2. “If you U-Pack Aquafresh not, you Woolite-ly need Brawny 4 Yerf Heinz end” 3. “Wheel get yerf car back in a Zippo.” 4. “I Sleep Inn-ed a Serta-fied Denver Mattress last nite” 5. “Canteen Vend-alism be putt in the Pabst?” 6. “Campbell’s phenom-enal place to spend sum Country Time” 7. “DIRECTV can’t on my Channellock” 8. “A-AA’s member has Bengay, he told his Bud.” 9. “Mark’s Moen the Law N’ Order-ing some Morton of decal-free foods. 10. “Uncle Ben’s Bench-AISIN that Trane.” And now Dean-swerves: 1.Gee, Mac. Barb is so mad at me. I’s know what to do. Any lightbulbs or ideas? 2. If you pack no fresh water, you will likely need Brawny for your hind end. 3.We’ll get your car back in a zip. 4.I slept in a certified Denver Mattress last night. 5.Can teen vandalism be put in the past? 6. Camp Bell is a phenomenal place to spend some time in the Country. 7. DIRECTV can’t lock onto my channel. 8.An AA’s member has been gay, he told his friend. 9. Mark is mowing the lawn & Ordering another ton of the calorie free foods. 10. Uncle Ben’s been chasing that train. Hope yerf dayglo-wing Wellbutrin-se well Bee 4 you Goo 2 bed. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 9th, 2006
8:14 pm	Silver Lines Silver Lines Dedicated to those Recently Lost A single drop of water A gift of life to Earth Finds it way to ground And each place a bit different And having found its way To roaring river or placid lake The droplet sits on this Earth 'Til it is time to leave it. Then the air we breathe Slowly sucks the droplet up Fading into gaseous state As it flies upwards toward sky Then as if to say goodbye The droplets bursts outward It blooms and grows until It sits majestic, yet peaceful cloud Fair people on the ground Stop and take their time To watch the fluffy cloud As it floats by and by Each cloud sparks a thought For some see animals and shapes Some see hope and comfort And some see silver linings And then the soft cloud The flower of the sky Floats upwards and away As gift from Earth to Heaven And as if to accept gift The sun shines through the cloud Illuminates those silver linings 'Til clouds fade into rays Another droplet falls.... (Comment on this)
Monday, May 8th, 2006
5:41 pm	House of 24: REALLY EXCITING!! It's the hit of this TV Parody Season....House of 24!! The only show that combines House and 24 and puts them together into a musica...I mean...comedy act. Watch House and possessed cane. Watch Jack Bauer shoot himself, kind of. Sadly, Live Journal does not do my play justice....bolds and italics and underlines don't work. SOOOOO...if you want to read it. www.myspace.com/daNASCAT. Go to the blog, and flip downwards to Episode I and slowly make your way upwards. If you DON'T Have MySpace, you're stup...I mean...in need of getting my email and getting copies for yourself!! Honestly, this IS THE FUNNIEST THING I'VE EVER WRITTEN. THE SUSPENSE DRIPS FROM MY NOSE AND THE COMEDY MAKES IT COME OUT!! tquievryn@yahoo.com Look for it. COMING SOON! (Comment on this)
Saturday, May 6th, 2006
11:32 pm	Winning Interview. Winning Interview. Just once I would like to see this ------------------------------- "Hi, I'm Steve Brynes from NASCAR on FOX, talking with today's race winner, Todd Bodine? Todd Bodine, how does it feel to be in victory lane?" "It feels awful, Steve. I mean, flipping awful. Number Five is my lucky number, and DARN I wish I finished there tonite. Not to mention I'm plum out of room in my trophy case" "Well....ok. How you feeling? You look like you're not feeling so good." "Oh, sorry. It's kinda tough to look normal. I just got splashed by twice the legal amount of beer here in Tennessee....and my butt's asleep" "Um, Todd, you shouldn't say butt. NASCAR may fine you points" "WELL DAMN THE POINTS!!" "Yeah.....anything else you like to say?" "Oh yeah, I need to thank my sponsors. Um...German...I mean....Gurmai....that motor company on my car. Um...let's see here....Lumber Liquidators too.....darn what a stupid idea. Lumber Liquidators? Why would you want liquid on your wood? Isn't that bad?" "Um, Todd, I think that means that they sell liquid wholesale." "Why would I just trust you? I make $7 million dollars more than you per year?" "Ha...yeah....good one, Todd. Um, why do you think your car was so good tonite?" "Well, you see my head is bald, and that really helps on these aerodynamic tracks. Also, my wheels didn't fall off, and we didn't wreck. That always helps a little" "Ok...well here's your trophy, Todd. A famous Nashville Gibson Guitar" "Oh, goody. Here's a little drinkin' tune. *begins plucking strings.....chord breaks and snaps Bodine in the fingers*....^@)*^ THING!!! *begins slamming guitar against car* "Um, boys, looks like Todd Bodine is celebrated by putting some dents in his car....yeah....*nervous laugh*...maybe we should go back up to you." (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 3rd, 2006
4:19 pm	Talk to Me About It... Talk to me about it Being a really crappy debater, I see the world as one-sided conversation. I tell you ________ and you listen. Well, that does not work on three groups of people: A) People who are bigger than you. (Which for me is about 98f human beings) B) Your cats They just don't understand you. Then they claw you. C) Grandparents. I've been thinking recently about the last one. My grandma is a nice and kind woman. However, she has DOM: Diarrhea of the Mouth...I'm talking and I just can't shut up. Sadly, I am her Ex-Lax. Every Sunday morning, I drive her to church and the gas station (which for me is the same thing) And she takes the time on the drive to tell me about her life and things she is fussing about. YET, I've learned something. You DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO EVERYTHING!!! The point of conversation is to talk about the interesting thing. On average, my grandmother says something interesting every...oh...three minutes. So, I just simply put reply to the things that I find interesting with a "oooh" and "aahhh" and "uh huh" Sadly, though, this can backfire. By phasing out and only listening to the interesting things, you may miss something called transition. Two Sundays ago, I am driving her to church and she is talking about how she is miffed at her son, my Uncle Bruce. You see, he lives with his girlfriend, which my grandma views as unethical. So I was letting her babble on about that "So I think Bruce needs...." In the grand tradition of being a jerk, I phased out for a few minutes and waited to have something grab my attention. "And that's why I don't support oral sex." Ok, that grabbed my attention. And the steering wheel. After recovering from that interesting piece of topic, I quickly thought of how to respond. A) "That makes sense.." B) "What is oral sex?" C) "Um, sure." C was the answer. So I spent the rest of the way to the church thinking about how to avoid future things. I have come up with the best way: Jacob, I hear you. (even if you can't hear me) Being deaf is the way to go. Sign Language is perfect. 1) What other language can you flick someone off and they think that they just misused the letter "G"? 2) When you just don't want to listen to someone...you just don't have to listen to them. 3) You get to make funny little shapes with your hands...and who doesn't like that? So think about it! The next time someone next to you is babbling onward (or just writing onward), just Sign Out of the conversation, so to speak....or hear. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 25th, 2006
5:34 pm	Intervention You let your life lightly dance On the edges of time Mind the panes of broken glass Smashed to pieces around my feet As you hurdled far away Each and every mistake Every untied end Has looped around Into the mental noose Of which you can’t secape And now the chasm opens And it threatens to destroy you Fly you to alternate dimensions Payment for your stumblings Time has come back for revenge And just as you begin to fall Flying backwards into abyss Of lonliness and fatigue A fair angel descends And pushed up back ‘gain. The angel shatters the noose With its heavenly smile Its eyes heal the wounds Of tired, warried feet And abyss fades into light You let your life lighty dance On the eges of time But you stepped too hard too oft Tempting pain from collasping ground ‘Til angel who gave you wings. Current Mood: happy (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 18th, 2006
5:35 pm	White-Out White-Out Current mood: apathetic Category: Writing and Poetry The piece was magnificent Perfected and top-notch The world's finest art Except for a tiny blotch And when it was noticed The artiste filled with doubt And he hurried to fix it With a bottle of White-Out However, with gooey liquid The value was taken away The artiste tried to fix it But new colors would not stay The liquid sucked them in The artiste couldn't get a break No matter how hard he tried He couldn't paint o'er his mistake The man then scratched it out He tried his every best But the white cover flew apart And the canvas was all messed Once the beautiful painting With just a misplaced dot Now sat clearly ruined With a huge, congealing spot We are embarassed by mistakes But no matter how hard we try to hide Dare not mask with White-Out Or risk it gashing wide. (Comment on this)
Monday, April 17th, 2006
7:33 pm	OK...This you need to know BEFORE READING.... The following is the blog. jack Bauer meets Greg House. This is Part I -------------------- Greg House meets Jack Bauer Current mood: nostalgic CAST From House Dr. Gregory House...Head of Diagnostics Dr. Allison Cameron....works for House Dr. James Wilson....House's Best Friend...Head of Oncology Dr. Robert Chase.....works for House Dr. Foreman.....works for House Dr. Cuddy.....Chief Doctor at Hospital... From 24 The President...Socially dyscfunctinal idiot Jack Bauer....Tough Guy, take no prisoners field agent Bill Buchanan...Head of CTU Audrey Raines: Works at CTU Chloe O' Brien: Annoying computer whiz at CTU Other German Guys....They're bad Teen @ Pizza Hut Patient aka the sick guy Service Station Guy McDonald's Worker Note: The Splitscreen is a technique used in 24...looks like this. Also, the clock is just used in 24 to seperate action from commercials...aka the "Running Clock" CURTAINS UP!! Prologue Ah yes, witness the premier network in America.... FOX! Home to amazing shows such as Who's the Antichrist and Gender Mender. After watching such amazing stupid shows, the network's CEO had his brain cells die and scheduled hits 24 and House M.D. for the same time slot! What'll happen...FIND OUT...after this commercial break. SCENE 1 Some abandoned factory. Bauer is running away from some explosion. He sits catching his breath, when Dr. Gregory House pops in from some alternate universe. Bauer: Who are you? House: Clearly somebody who wears Old Spice. Bauer: (looks for a minute and sniffs his deodorant) You'd better tell me who you are or (pulls out gun) House: I would suggest putting the gun back in the pants, bucko. (Bauer unloads a round in Houses bad knee...House barely flinches) House: Sorry, just unloaded all these babies (waves empty Vicodin bottle)...you're a former drug junkie, right? Bauer: (with surprise)Yeah, how did you know that? House: Your arm. It sweats abnormally around the area that you would usually stick in the needle for intravenous, but it's not red... Which means you've quit....sorry I have a bad habit of checking out guys. Bauer: You must be a doctor. House: AND YOU MUST BE A BRAIN SURGEON!! (makes happy-go-lucky face) Bauer: Maybe you could help me, I'm Jack Bauer from CTU, and were tracking down terrorists who have anthrax. I need medical help. House: (stares for a second)...Greg House....(gets in passenger seat of carBauer jumps in the two drive off) SCENE 2 Princeton Plains Teaching Hospital...Dr. Cameron, Dr. Chase and Dr. Foreman are sitting around and doing...."doctor things". Chase: (playing House's Game Boy)...Man, this new version of Grand Theft Auto is awesome! (Cameron looks alarmed at the activities that Chase is doing) Foreman (from across the room): DAMN IT!! Who mixed the coffee twirlers with Q-tips? (Cuddy storms in) Cuddy: Where's House? Cameron, Foreman and Chase (in unison): 4-H club. Cuddy: 4-H club? What's he doing? Teaching our rural youth the value of planting marijuana? Chase: No, 4-H club. Dr. House. Home. High. Hookers. Cuddy: (sighs) Fine...(throws report at Foreman)....Solve this case....twenty year old male. Nausea. Migraines. Secrets... The usual..(walks out) Cameron: (after looking at report with Chase and Foreman)...what do we need to do? Foreman: Um, give him a EKG, CAT Scan, MRI, Heavy Metal Poisoning Test, Full Body Scan and SAT. Chase: SAT? Foreman: Yes, if he scores below a 1300, he's an idiot, and we can't trust a word he says. Cameron: Anything else guys? Chase: OH! LUMBAR PUNCTURE! WE NEED A LUMBAR PUNCTURE! WE MUST HAVE A LUMBAR PUNCTURE!! SCENE 3 Bill Buchanan and Chloe O' Brien are sitting in CTU. O'Brien is in front of the fastest computer ever. Buchanan is giving her instructions Buchanan: Listen, Chloe, I'm sorry that you just so happen to have your period on the days of major terrorist attacks, but I need your help. O'Brien: Fine. (rolls her eyes to indicate anything but fine) Buchanan: I need a map of LA-105 Exit 4...(Chloe pulls up map)....and I need a schematics of the LAPD Basement....(Chloe puts up schematics)...and I need you to pull up my mother's meatloaf recipe....(Chloe pulls up recipe...Buchanan looks over it for a second)...Man, no wonder it tasted bad. Two cups of flour not three (Raines enters) Raines: Bill, Jack just called in. He's picked up a Dr. Gregory House. Buchanan: Oh, I'm so sorry you two broke up. You were such a good couple. Raines: Ah, I mean he's picked him up to help with the investigation. O'Brien: Bill, I just pulled up this profile of Dr. House. It turns out that in November 2004 he accepted a gift from a known member of the mafia! Raines: We got to alert Jack!! This House could be a mole! (runs over, picks up phone and dials Jack's Earphone) Jack! Jack! Can you hear me? Jack? (spltscreen.....Audrey is calling Jack on left half, while on the right half earphone is on the car floor. People wondering why the earphone is on the floor quickly find out why...Jack is listening to House's iPod and has one of the earbuds in his ear, while House is listening with the other earbud.) Raines: JACK? COME IN, JACK!! Jack (oblivious as both listen to music): Man, I dont know about you Greg, but I sure miss the Beatles. House: They're better than hookers. 9: 12: 06 9: 12: 07 9: 12: 08 9: 12: 09 (commercial break) 9: 17: 33 9: 17: 34 9: 17: 35 9: 17: 36 SCENE 4 Back at the hospital Patient (looks at doctors entering room): Oh, good....now you're here. I can have some dramatic attack now...(bursts into cardiac arrest...instruments starts beeping) Chase: Man, I love the sound of those machines...reminds me of the Beetles! Foreman: (pulls out AED... [Debrifulator]...begins to shock patient)CLEAR!! (shocks....nothing).....CLEAR!!...(shocks....nothing)..CLEAR!! (works this time)....CLEAR!!... (shocks) Patient: STOP IT!! I'm FINE!! Foreman: Sorry, just kinda get carried away with the whole thing....shocking people is fun....our tests showed that you drink a lot of water....otherwise....nothing! Patient: Well, what do you need to do? Cameron: We need to make a few misdiagnosis and by the end of the episode, right as you're about to die, we'll figure out what you have just in time. (Patient gives worried look) Cameron: (smiling) But in the meantime, relax...you're not scheduled to have another new symptom show up for another (looks at clock)Oh, CRAP! (Patient starts coughing up blood) Chase: I'll go call House. SCENE 5 Back at CTU Buchanan (presses down speakerphone...phone rings....somebody picks up...go to splitscreen) Teenager: Yes, Pizza Hut. How may I help you? Buchanan: Yes, this is CTU. We need 5 Supreme pizza, 2 large Mushrooms and 3 just large Cheese pizzas... (suddenly phone beeps) Hold on, I have an incoming call (looks at number and switches lines)Yes, Mr. President) President: I'm stopping on by soon, so why do you add in a couple of extra pizzas for my Secret Service...(coughs)...now onto the anthrax threat.What you got? Buchanan: We don't have any anthrax. President: I mean what do you have on the situation? Buchanan: Oh...um...were following a lead that a twenty-year old male may have been contaminated...(splitscreen: shows kid in hospital on the bottom) SCENE 6 Bauer and House traveling in car (Houses phone chirps....House can't hear phone...begin splitscreen....House on left....Foreman, Cameron and Chase on right talking on speaker....answering machine picks up on House's phone) House's Phone: BEEP!! You have reached the answering service of Greg House. I'm home right now, but I just don't care enough to answer. Leave a message after the beep and you'll get back to me. BEEP!! Cameron: House....I know you're there!!! (suddenly, as song ends, House hears Cameron) House: WHAT? (Cameron stammers on for a second about the symptoms) House: I don't have a clue. ...Foreman, why dont you go electrocute the guy a few times until he spills. I'm on a case with Jack Bauer, we're looking for anthrax. Let me know if anything interesting shows up. Foreman: MY Pleasure! (smiles and walks out of room to go zap the kid) SCENE 7 Poor Patients Room Foreman: Tell me what happened!! Patient: NOTHING!! (gets zapped by AED) Foreman: What happened? Patient: NOT...(sees Foreman about to zap him again)....This morn....I did some crack dealing. ...I got a bag full of white powder.... The thing was, when I snorted it, it just felt different. Listen...YOU CAN'T TELL anyone. Some guys are tracking me....I was followed Foreman: (ponders) Oh god, its anthrax. SCENE 8 Back in the car...House hangs up phone House: A patient with anthrax was admitted to the hospital an hour ago. Bauer: We NEED to get there now! (puts gas pedal down....but car chokes and dies).Why didn't Curtis fill up this thing? Six seasons and NOW were out of gas? SCENE 9 In front of hospital...German guys jump out of black van carrying guns.. 9: 24: 13 9: 24: 14 9: 24: 15 9: 24 16 (commercial break) 9: 27: 59 9: 28: 00 9: 28: 01 9: 28: 02 (German men walk into hospital lobby.....security guards spot men and firefight begins....the German men shoot nearly every person in the lobby.....Cuddy walks out....German man (Ute) points gun in her direction) Ute: Where is he? Cuddy: WHO? (Ute shoots her in the chest...but the bullet bounces off her plastic you-know-whats. Ute shoots her again, this time in the head.Germans begin to run up stairs) Leader (Markov): Ute, take floor 2. Viktor 3. I'll take 4 (Splitscreen....Germans on the left....on the right in the elevator The Three Amigos on the right in an elevator with patient...end splitscreen by zooming into the elevator) Chase (listening to the elevator music): Man, I wish they'd play the Beetles. Patient: Am I going to be OK? Cameron: Yes, we'll give you the medicine. It'll take longer than normal to work, and us doctors will have lots of self-doubting, and at the last possible second right before you enter the eternal black abyss, you'll get better. (Patient gives horrified look) SCENE 10 CTU....O'Brien and Raines have tapped into the local Target security cameras and are checking out the guys changing room O'Brien: Man, that guy has a concealed weapon. Raines: (grinning) Whoa, is it me or is he carrying more than two bullets in his pocket? (Buchanan walks in.Chloe hears footsteps and closes window quickly) Buchanan: Chloe? OBrien: Yes, Bill. Buchanan: I just got reports of gunshots at Princeton Plains Teaching Hospital (Chloe pulls up hospital lobby camera.dead bodies everywhere) OBrien: OH MY GOD!! Call the ambulances! They need to get to the hospital Raines: Um, Chloe they're AT the HOSPITAL O'Brien: (blaming Audrey) DUH! Stop saying stupid ideas. (Raines rolls her eyes) SCENE 11 Patients house.Wilson flipping through patients newest issue of Playboy. (phone rings...begin splitscreen with Wilson on the top and House on the bottom) House: Find anything interesting yet? Wilson: (answering phone while opening centerfold...raises eyebrows at content)....Um, oh yeah. House: Did you find the bags? Wilson: (still staring at magazine): Yeah, I'd say I find a couple nice bags....yeah House: What about the powder? Wilson: (puts down magazine and picks up bag) It's busted....I mean...crusted over. It's crusted over. House: Crusted over? You know what that means? Wilson: No. House: You're worthless (After pause, Wilson sighs and asks in an eager beaver tone.) Wilson: What does it mean, DR HOUSE? House: I don't know either....That's why I asked you. Report back to the hospital. Wilson: Smartest thing I'll do since I invested in Vicodin stock.(begins to walk out...looks at Playboy....shifts eyes around to look for others, picks it up, stuffs it in his pocket and walks out with powder in pocket) (Wilson is shown leaving house with the Anthrax Bag. Suddenly, German man jumps out, pulls down Wilson, and throws him in a van.German man gags Wilson, gets in the drivers seat and drives off) SCENE 12 At da Gas Station...where are our heros? Bauer: JUST 93 OCTANE? Man, we need some 102 in this bad boy...AH CRIPES! I JUST PRESSED THE CAR WASH OPTION!! 9: 37: 23 9: 37: 24 9: 37: 25 9: 37: 26 (commercial break.. WAIT!! What happens during the commercial break? Lets find out!) BONUS SCENE I Still at the gas station...McDonald's and Service Station complex House: Oh, thank god for that break....I've gotta go to the bathroom Bauer: I'm going to run to the McDonald's. Can I get you anything? House: I want a Double Cheeseburger, with Heinz Ketchup, Dill Pickles, Sesame Seed Bun, hold the tomatoes, lite mayo, medium rare, with Prevelone.... Bauer: You're never sastified with anything, right? (House gives angry look and runs to the toilet) Bauer: Hurry! We have a minute and a half left. (runs into McDonald's) McDonald's attendant: Can I.... Bauer: Double Cheeseburger with everything and a Big Mac without cheese. McDonalds: That will be....oh crap...the machine broke. Bauer: (yells into earpiece): CHLOE!! Run up the price of a Double Cheeseburger and a Big Mac. Chloes Voice: Shouldnt you eat healthier, Jack? Bauer: CHLOE!! I HAVE ONE MINUTE!! Chloes Voice: FINE!! I was just trying to help....is the Big Mac with or without cheese? Bauer: (looking at watch)...withou...(sees order and grabs it and runs out) (Meanwhile, House is in the service station bathroom...peeing...some guy comes up to the urinal next to him) Guy: Nice stick! House: (surprised)...Excuse me? Guy: (pointing to cane) Nice stick! House: Yeah..sure.(begins to run out..) Guy: HEY, Shouldn't you wash your hands? (House looks unsure....doctorly habits vs. need to run...decides to wash hands) House: (singing to count time)LITTLE BITTY SPIDER WENT UP THE SPIDER SPOUT....DOWN CAME THE R... Guy: Hey, do you know Yankee Doodle? House: Hey, do you know what happens when you use that feather... (points at his ding-dong)...They call it macaroni. BYE! (runs out) (House and Bauer jump in car and pull out just in time) 9: 41: 19 9: 41: 20 9: 41: 21 9: 41: 22 SCENE 13 At the presidential retreat... (President is calling Bill Buchanan) Buchanan: Hello, Mr. President. (begin splitscreen...Buchanan on the left, President on right) President: Hello, Bill....say are you on speakerphone? Buchanan: Yes. President: Why? Buchanan: Because I'm socially dysfunctional and I don't know how annoying it is. President: Yeah, I guess I have that problem too. Listen, what do we have on the anthrax threat? Buchanan: I'm linking you up with a Dr. Gregory House. He is an expert on anthrax. He killed a large group of rats with it last year... Voice of House: Yes, Mr. President, the anthrax crusted over in the bag. Because I ran out of Vicodin...say could you do me a favor? President: Um, sure? Voice of House: I'll help you guys solve the case if you legalize marijuana. President: (rolls eyes)What causes anthrax spores to crust over in the bag? Voice of House: Well, it could be....say, are you watching Days of Our Lives? President: Oh, yeah. Brad broke up with Jenny! Voice of House: What, no he didn't!!! (House and President begin to speak about Days of Our Lives....Buchanan shakes head and sits down to pizza) SCENE 14 Hospital Elevator (Elevator stops at 2nd floor....door opens....Chase, Cameron and Foreman walk out with patient on gurney. Dead bodies spread out across the floor) Cameron: Oh, don't tell me that House mixed the Vicodin with the SweetTarts again! Chase: These people have been shot! Foreman: (looking worried) We'd better get on the elevator again (Suddenly, Ute turns the corner) Ute: There they are!! (begins shooting) Patient: They're after me!! (Foreman, Cameron and Chase jump into elevator....slam doors shut....elevator begins to go downwards) Foreman: They'll be waiting for us on the first floor too! Cameron: Oh, why must the good die young? (Foreman slaps EMERGENCY STOP button on elevator) 9: 48: 08 9: 48: 09 9: 48: 10 9: 48: 11 Commercial Break 9: 52: 29 9: 52: 30 9: 52: 31 9: 52: 32 (Our doctors are still in the elevator) Chase: What's another word for body? (doing crossword) Cameron: Cadaver? Chase: No, six letters. Foreman: Corpse? Chase: Thanks. (Patient looks horrified) (Suddenly, banging is heard in the elevator shaft) Patient: Theyre coming for us!!! (Suddenly, somebody lands on the roof of the elevator and begins banging on it) Cameron: Don't worry. In medical school, they taught me 101 ways to castrate a man. (Suddenly, German man [Viktor] makes it through and lands on the floor of the elevator....but before he can shoot...) Chase: TAKE THIS!! (Shines flashlight in Viktors eyes) (Cameron takes her stethoscope and sticks its cold surface on the guys hand) Viktor: AYEEE!! (drops the gun) Foreman: This is going to hurt A LITTLE. (whips blood pressure pad on guys arm and squeezes with no mercy) Viktor: AAAAAHHHH!! (continues to scream in pain) Foreman: Whoa, you need to lower your blood pressure a little. Cameron: (looking at monitor) Yikes, 140/80! (Viktor finds enough strength to rip off pad...However, before he can pick up gun, Chase sticks him with 100 mg of Haldol) Chase: Nite, nite!! (Viktor collapses) (Camerons cell rings) Cameron: Hello..House?.....youre on the way. Listen, some German men are after our patient.they've shot everyone in the hospital!!!...no, it is not April Fools Day..no I am not high....Ok, we had a few drinks, were doctors after all...I'M SERIOUS!! SCENE 15 Front of Hospital (House hangs up cell phone) House: They say your German friends have entered the hospital and shot everybody. (House and Bauer walk in.they see the bodies everywhere) House: Oh, don't tell me I mixed the Vicodin with the SweetTarts again...(steps on someone's body..it's Cuddy's)YES! Looks like I won't have to do clinic duty for a while. Bauer: (into earpiece) Chloe, I need you to pull up body sensory images for the hospital.....I need to know where everyone is Chloes Voice: There are 3 in an elevator shaft, two on the second floor and five on the fourth...whoa...one of the guys in the elevator shaft is pretty hot. Bauer: WHAT? Chloes Voice: He's reading orange instead of blue Bauer: (turns to House)You're friends are in danger! House: (shifty eye look) Friends? Bauer: Youre employees are in danger. Here take a gun. (begins to give House gun) House: I'm fine. (picks up canepulls off rubber cap on the bottom, and then folds the handle of the cane) Bauer: YOUR CANE IS A SEMIAUTOMATIC SAWED-OFF SHOTGUN? House: Yeah, you have to be careful around hookers. (Bauer and House begin to charge up stairs) 9: 59: 57 9: 59: 58 9: 59: 59 10: 00: 00 (bo o (1 Comment |Comment on this)
2:36 pm	House V. Bauer: Episode II Episode II Review: If you are missing something, go down like three blogs and read the first episode. HOUSE CHARACHTERS: Dr. Greg House-Mean, witty, brilliant doctor. His cane is a sawed-off shotgun Dr. Cuddy-She's dead now. Dr. Wilson-House's best friend; kindapped by Germans Dr. Chase Dr. Foreman Dr. Cameron-All three are stuck in elevator with the patient. Joey Arnello-Gay Mobster Bill Arnello-Brother of Joey, still straight 24 CHARACTHERS Jack Bauer-Tough guy, take no-crap; teamed up with House Chloe O'Brien-Superfast computer whiz who is very annoying.. Bill Buchanan-Quiet head of CTU Curtis-Head of CTU SWAT Team, 30-ish black dude. President-Socially dysfunctional idiot Vice-President-Whoa! There is a vice-president. SWAT Team Members-They're not the sharpest knives in the drawer GERMANS Ute-Killed Cuddy. Viktor: Just taken hostage by Cameron, Chase and Foreman Oscar: Kidnapper of Wilson (about 5 others) HOUSE MEETS BAUER PART 2 Voice of OBrien: Previously on this show. (begin long series of pointless clips that make no sense together and leave the viewer in confusion) House: Put the gun back in the pants, bucko. Chase: Man, I miss the Beetles! Guy in the Service Station: Do you know Yankee Doodle? Buchanan: Im socially dysfunctional. Voice of Cuddy: The following takes place between 10 AM and 11 AM........that's 9 AM-10 AM Central Time SCENE 1 House and Bauer are nearing the stairs. Bauer charges up stairs. House hesitates Bauer: What are you waiting for? House: The Virgin Mary..shes supposed to come down from heaven and heal this... (points to leg) (Bauer shakes head and runs up stairs) Bauer: (into earpiece)...Chloe, where are they? Voice of OBrien: Theyre in... (STATIC)...th...(STATIC)...seco...(STATIC) Bauer: Chloe? (More static....then the static fades into the local classical music station) Bauer: Damn it, Chloe, I told you to change the frequencies. SCENE 2 Elevator...the Three Amigos and scared-to death patient sit in the dark. Chase is still doing his crossword. Cameron and Foreman have tied up Viktor with their stethoscopes. Chase: Six letters....Cone of Death. Foreman: Bullet. (Patient looks traumatized) (Suddenly, Viktor comes to.Foreman is trying to get info out of him) Viktor: I won't tell you anything! Cameron: (to Foreman)....Maybe we should give him a physical. We know how much men hate doctors. Viktor: I'll NEVER TELL!! Foreman: When I lived in the ghetto, I learned 46 Ways to Kill A Scrawny White Kid...NOW SPILL! (Viktor shakes his head and turns away) Foreman: Chase, time for the castration surgery. We call this (shows Viktor large needle)...THE NUTCRACKER!! (Viktor begins to sweat a little) Cameron: WAIT!! We cant do something that controversial without having some ethical debate between us. (Chase and Foreman groan and begin arguments) 10:12:24 10:12:25 10:12:26 (commercial break) 10: 17:03 10: 17: 04 10: 17: 05 SCENE 3 Curtis has shown up on the scene of the hospital with his team. He is on the phone with Bill Buchanan. Buchanans Voice: You can not go in yet. Going in there would compromise Jack's mission. Do you think the terrorists have noticed your team yet? Curtis: No. I don't believe they've notice the 200-man SWAT team, fifteen police cars and two helicopters circling the area. (sees House coming...hangs up phone) Curtis: (pointing at nametag) You must be Dr. House. House: (matter-of-factly) No, its Dr. Esuoh. Sorry for the nametag. Its for Dr. Wilson. He's Jewish and prefers to read English like its Hebrew. (Curts gives confused looko) House: Why are you out here? Curtis: What do you mean? House: Haven't you ever watched an action movie? (pops a few Vicodin)Black men die first. (Suddenly, a shot rings out and Curtis falls dead) SWAT Team Member 1: Theyve spotted us! SWAT Team Member 2: How did they do that? (Zoom out to see a hundred men in black uniforms standing in front of a white building) (Meanwhile, House has reloaded his pipe...er...cane gun.and begins shooting the terrorists) SWAT Team Member 1: Whoa! Dr. Esouh, how did you learn to shoot so well? House: Heh heh....All of Dr. Wilson's wives didnt really leave him...I was just kinda jealous for the attention. SCENE 4 Back in the elevator....the debate is over and Chase and Cameron are going to perform the corrective surgery...[Writers Note: This isn.t corrective, this is just plain wrong] Chase: Sure you dont want to talk? Viktor: I'm a man. I have the balls not to...(interrupted by Chase) Chase: For now... (Chase begins to um...stick needle in) Viktor: (in severe agony) OK! OK! I'LL TELL YOU!! (Chase sticks needle out and Viktor catches his breath)...We gave the kid a bag of anthrax to deal and spread. But you were onto us....so we came to take him. (points at petrified patient while Viktor smiles)...but dont you worry. We got the bag back and were going to respread it. (yells) LONG LIVE THE NAZI PARTY! Foreman: Weren't the Nazis racist against my people? Chase: No, they hated the Jews and the Gypsies. Foreman: That's a first. Viktor: (continuing on) YES! We've even captured a Jew (splitscreen: Wilson bound and gagged on the right) Cameron: Why? That's immoral! It's bad to do bad things. Foreman: (shaking his head)You're sheltered, aren't ya? Viktor: Were going to release the Anthrax to get back at the American government, and then were going to blame the Jew for it. SCENE 5 Wilson has been unbound and let free inside of some metal cage in some warehouse. German (Oscar) is explaining to Wilson what will happen to him. Oscar: Once we've released the anthrax, we'll frame you, you Jewish lowlife! We'll claim that youre inhumanely rich, sexually immoral and your cooking is awful. Wilson: (matter-of-factly) Well, actually with me all of that is true. (Oscar sneers....reties Wilson and leads him back into the van) 10:24:37 10:24:38 10:24:39 (commieI mean commercialcommercial break) 10: 27:51 10: 27: 52 10: 27: 53 SCENE 6 CTU...Phone is ringingand ringingand ringing (Answering service kicks in) Buchanans Voice: Hi, youve reached CTU. The Department of Defense cut our budget and were too understaffed to answer your call right now. Yes, I also think the Secretary of Defense should resign. (Buchanan runs it) Buchanan: Damn it! Does anybody answer the phone around here? (picks up phone) Buchanan: Uh huh...no....yes, we already have a security system...we're not interested....Well, yes the one we have has malfunctioned now and again.....yes, people died as a result....Really? Your service reports high levels of smoke, carbon monoxide AND NERVE GAS? Wow....we'll get back to you. (hangs up phone....and assistant hands Buchanan bulletin. Buchanan reads it and heads to Chloes workstation) Buchanan: Chloe! Chloe: (annoyed) YES? Buchanan: I just got a report that Dr. Wilson was kidnapped in front of the patient's home. Chloe:... so I need to find the getaway car.What time did this happen? Buchanan: I don't know. Approx. 30-45 minutes ago. You'll just have to use your top-notch skills to figure out what time? Chloe: Fine...(pulls up time records)...eenie meenine minie mo...pick the liar by his toe....if he hollers, shoot his toe. My mother told me to pick the very worst one, and I choose this one. (clicks) (Video comes upperfect timinggetaway car shown) Chloe: Looks like a red Ford Explorer, Buchanan: (to Raines)...Audrey, we need to track down and find a red Explorer, ASAP! Raines: Um, there is one in the parking lot. It's yours. Buchanan: SEE! I told you that new surveillance program would work. Look how quickly we can identify suspects. Take me to holding...(is led away) SCENE 6 Back in at the Ranch..(Hospital, whatever)...House and SWAT Team still in fierce gun battle. House: Crap! I'm out of bullets. (thinks for a minute)...(loads gun with needles sucked in Haldol. (sticks the Germans in uncomfortable positions. The rest fall) (SWAT Member makes weird motions with his hands and eyes) House: You have jockitch? I have shots for that. SWAT Member 2: NO, the coast is clear! House: Could you JUST SAY THAT? (They move in....SWAT Team Members break through all of the windows and jump in) House: (walks in through the front door)...See this...(points at door)they call it a handle. Its an invitation to grip it, like this cane. (House looks around in destroyed lobby) House: Stupid Germans. They took all of the jellybeans out of the jar (points at empty jar) SWAT Team Member: 3: Dr. Esouh, we can't open the elevators or contact your staff. House: Don't worry, I've got you covered (picks up intercom system) SCENE 7 The Elevator Houses Voice: (over intercom): Dr. Chase, you newest issue of Penthouse is here. Chase: OH BOY! (presses restart) Foreman: CHASE!! (doors open...everyone looks out....coast is clearexcept for!) Foreman: Who are you? Bauer: I'm Jack Bauer, CTU. Chase: You have a Corilliary Tract Upsetting? Bauer: Counter-Terrorist Unit. I'm here to help. Cameron (coming out of elevator): OH GOD! You're bleeding! (begins to treat Bauer) Bauer: HEY, STOP IT!...(looks at Cameron)...I've got a macho-tough guy image to protect! SCENE 8 Presidential Retreat. President and Vice-President are playing Monopoly President: Yes. FINALLY! I won New York!! (Phone Rings) Vice-President: Don't worry, Mr. President, I will protect your nation from the forces of darkness while you are away. (President picks up phone. Its Audrey Raines. Begin Splitscreen) Raines: Mr. President, Its Raines from CTU. We need your permission to shut down all LA Traffic. President: Why? Raines: The German terrorist group reallocated the anthrax. They're on the LA freeways as we speak. We need to find them. President: (muttering) Why is it that EVERY time, I'm in L.A., we have a terrorist attack? (thinks for a moment). Hold on, Ms. Raines, let me ask Carl Sagan, my risk analyst. (Sagan walks in) Sagan: Misteer President, if we dont do thees, miilliyuns and miilliyuns of people will die. Luckily, though, evolution may favor human ageeinst future anthrax strains. President: Thank yue...I mean...thank you, Carl. (Sagan leaves) Fine, Ms. Raines, go ahead. 10:38:47 10:38:48 10:38:49 (commercial break) 10:41 :28 10: 41: 29 10: 41: 30 SCENE 9 Back at the Hospital...Everyone has gotten together. House and Bauer have been informed of what Viktor said by Foreman. House: What about the patient? Cameron: Oh, he's right back there. Dont worry he's safe... (turns around....The elevator is empty and Viktor and the patient are no where to be seen) Chase: They're GONE! House: And for once, I didn't kidnap them. Bauer: They've escaped. We've got to after them. (Everyone runs down the stairs back into the lobby) Cameron: Where are they? (sees some cars going out of parking deck)...do you think its the Honda Accord, the Ford Taurus or the red Volkswagen Beetle that has a large Nazi emblem on the hood? (everyone just stares at her) Bauer: Sheltered? Foreman: Oh, yeah. Bauer: It doesn't matter. We're going to lose them in a couple seconds. I'll call CTU to keep an eye on them. House: That won't be needed. (twists his cane again into a rocket launcher)..Wait....We did diagnosis him, right? Chase: Um, yes. House: Good. (begins to fire rocket launcher) Cameron: You CAN'T DO THIS!!! House: HA! If I had a nickel for everytime you told me that...(shoots rocket launcher) (Rocket flies into the sky and makes a direct hit on the VW Bug) Cameron: You just killed our patient. House: There is a "die" in diagnose. Well, not spelling-wise, but pronunciation-wise. You get the idea. Bauer: (on phone) Jack, I've got bad news....Dr. Wilson has been taken hostage. House: Dang! He was such a good cook. Bauer: Were understaffed. We need some help. Do you know anyone that can help? House: By you mean help, you mean kill people? Sure. Bill Arnello and Joey Arnello. I treated the gay one last year. They owe me one. Bauer: A gay mobster? House: Oh, don't worry. He'll still shoot people. The only difference is afterwards he writes a song about it. (picks up phone) Cameron: Why do they owe you one? They gave you the '66 Corvette! House: Oh, that's not all. I do some autopsy work on the side you know. Sometimes, I just completely miss the bullet wounds of their enemies and write down natural death (puts phone up on ear and begins talking) SCENE 10 Holding cell...Raines is interviewing Buchanan Raines: I'm going to ask you point blanc: did you kidnap Dr. James Wilson? Buchanan: No. Raines: Sorry, CTU policy says I can't believe you until youve repeated the same answer thrice. Did you kidnap Dr. James Wilson? Buchanan: No. Raines: (flipping through CTU manual)...Ok, Im supposed to say "You're a stubborn one, arent ya?" and then ask again.... Ok. Youre a stubborn one, arent ya?....not talking....Let me ask you one more time: Did you kidnap Dr. James Wilson? Buchanan: No. Raines: Ok, looks like youre cleared. Buchanan: Thank god. Raines: I just wish Curtis could of done this instead of me. Buchanan: Curtis is dead. Raines: WHAT? How did you know that? Buchanan: (stuttering)...well...I mean...they...they just called me on the phone and told....told me. Raines: (flipping through manual) According to this, stuttering indicates guilt! You kidnapped Wilson AND killed Curtis? LOCK HIM UP!! (Guards come in and seize Buchanan) 10:51:18 10:51:19 10:51:20 (commercial break) 10:55 :01 10: 55: 02 10: 55: 03 SCENE 11 LA Freeway I-105. Dr. House's Mafia buddies have gotten in on the chase. They have spotted Red Ford Explorer on the highway Joey Arnello: There they are. This'll be cool. I've never written a song about German guys before. (Bill rolls eyes) Bill: Dang, I just wish the President had shut down traffic. This freeway is worse than Los Angeles. (shows massive traffic jam) Joey: We're in Los Angeles. Bill: You know, I knew sending you off to school was a big mistake. All you gotta know is where the safehouse is and where the zones are. (losing patience)....Screw this...(pulls off highway and into grass) (A couple of cars ahead, Oscar looks in rearview mirrors and sees car coming) Oscar: Blitzkreig! (pulls onto side of road and tries to escape....Splitscreen: Arnellos on left and Oscar on right) Bill: They're heading toward the airport. Joey: Don't worry. They're losing control. At the velocity they're going, the sheer displacement of balance from their movement will flip them near that exit ramp. Bill: Can you stop being so damn smart? (but sure enough) Oscar: Gesholt! We're going toward the exit ramp! Wilson: (muffled voice through gag) What an apt choice of words. (Oscars van flips a couple of times as it loses control) (Oscar and Wilson are fine. Oscar tries to drag Wilson out of car) Wilson: THINK FAST!! (throws stuffed pepper into eyes) Oscar: OH IT BURNS! OH THE SMELL!! (Wilson picks up bags....and Playboy and runs away) 10:59:58 10:59:59 11:00:00 (Comment on this)
Saturday, April 15th, 2006
9:13 pm	Mind your Own Business Mind Your Own Business Category: News and Politics With the American market continuing to lose ground to foreign countries in....everything...questions must be asked! Why are they better than us? What are we lacking? Should we build a 92-floor headquarters or a 94-floorer just to tick our competition off? Here's what I think: 5) This Stinks What must our Tic Tacs do to beat Altoids? What must Aquafresh do to beat Crest? The answer: INVENT MORE FLAVORS Have you noticed that our mints and toothpaste are out of flavor? There was minty fresh, then there was Arctic cool, and peppermint. Then they ran out of flavors! Did that stop them? OH NO! Aquafresh believes that in order to survive, they must make a "Berry Cocktail" toothpaste. Q: Who wants have their mouth smell like you just got punched by a berry bush? The next question is for Altoids: Who wants LIQORICE FLAVORED ALTOIDS? 4) Telemarketing Manners Do you know those annoying telemarketers? You know the ones from India and try to pronounce your last name in Indian, "Mr. Brune!" They are a reason that America is losing. American Companies have something called ''manners". They don't like calling during dinner, or during any inconvient time (which is ANYTIME) Indians barely notice your tick-offs. Then since they actually don't care and take the time to call you, they actually may succeed in their attempts. They have what it takes. Cluelessness. Just ask Dilbert. 3) Deer in the Lights In case any of you haven't looked at my MySpace picture index, let me fill you in. I draw NASCAR racecars for a hobby. 2229 of them...that is a later discussion. Every year, I draw the cars and notice one thing. The headlights get fancier and fancier. Do our enginieers focus on gas mileage or performance? NO! They focus on the damn headlights! THEN they charge you $300 for the headlights. Look at the difference between these two racecars: The fuel economy is the same. The body is the same. The handling is the same. The headlights are different. NOW PAY US $600 more dollars! 2) Cheney = CEO Now, let's take a look at the American Landscape. The politician can not survive with out the businessman and visa versa. Perhaps this is why people who are so bad at one are also so bad at the other. Today, millions of CEOs and senior management are either two things: 1) Brain damaged from being a politican or 2) Brain damaged enough to want to be a politician." Also, this week I read that Greg Biffle, NASCAR driver extrodinaire is now a chairman of a Lake Norman bank's Board of Directors. Think about it: A guy who's job it is to wreck a million-dollar racecar is now making major desicions about the future of your money 1) Shut up and Pay me Somewhere, some idiot is reading this blog and thinking, "Hey! This kid has a great idea. I'm so stupid, I'm going to pay him $45 million dollars to write a book about it!" That is the lowlife American economy today. (Comment on this)
12:01 am	Redneck Olympics Redneck Olympics Announcer (Bacco): Welcome to the Twenty-Niventh Redneck Olympics! Im your host, Joe Toe Bacco, and we here at BunnyEars TV are proud to be covering this hallowed eventand I tell you something, there is just the smell of excitement in the air. Talking to some of our contestants today, some said they havent taken baths in week, and their odor certainly puts character in our game..Lets go down and review what has happened today. First, down at the stage, we had the opening ceremonies. The national anthem was sung by Tim McGraw: McGraw:.Vroom Vroom VroomI love NASCAR!!!...Vroom(continues on with song) Bacco: That was followed by an invocation by Rev. Bap Tist. Tist: May ALL THE DEMONS LEAVE THIS HALLOWED GROUND, LORD. LET ALL THE PLAYERS BE PROTECTED BY YOU TODAY, OR THEY MAY DIE AND BY LOST IN HELL.(continues on with prayer) Bacco: The first event was down at Pier Hanna, where the fishing event took place. (plays replay) Here is Huklinen Sinker, reeling in his catch of the day: An extra large toilet seat made by Swisher. It weighed in at 3.3 pounds. However, Cass Teroff, is able here to get a 3.8 pound IRON Swisher toilet seat and wins the competition..Teroff is here with us nowCass, how did you win? Teroff: Duh, it was simple, Joe. I had momma cook me a special heapin of baked beans, and I used it as bait. Nothing attracts Swishers like a bag o baked beans. Bacco: All right, thank you Cass. The next competition was the Shooting event. Cal Iber knocked down 30 straight of the clay pigeons. I talked to Iber earlier, and he told me that his inspiration was the special kind of pigeons, painted with the New York Yankees logo..Onto the sprinting event.and take a look at this clip (Begins to show replay) Judge: On your mark! GET SET! GO!!! (fires gun into air) (The rednecks barely move) Redneck 1: Say Mark, was that a 22 Caliber? Redneck 2: Sounded like a 45-caliber to me, Toby. Judge: (looks impatient, rolls his eyes and yells) LOOK!! Here comes your mother-in-law!! (Rednecks sprint out of the gate like they had just had their pants set on fire...and with mother-in-laws you never know.) (Clip stops. Back to Bacco) Bacco: Needless to say, the winner Picken Paye won the event in record timeOnto the gymnastics center, where heavy favorite Lard Offat withdrew today after being poisoned by one of the Olympics fine foods, coon on a stick. Regardless, his team went ahead and won the vaultings. Offats team placed 1st in the Trailer Jump and 2nd in the High Jump the Grass, where Bunko Offat jumped over the 21 foot, 6 inch piece of grass.Bunko said later that the secret was in his special pole made entirely out of kudzu and pocket lint. The Heavy Lifting event of the competition was cancelled today after some of the contestants stole the cinderblocks for their mobile homes, but there still was the biggest event in the competition: Racin! Lets go to Mune Shine for the for the call Shine: Thank you, Joe. Here we are on the racetrack where today the contestants will drive their 06 F-150s to the finish line. Of course, 06 is 1906. And theyre off!! (shows cars racing)UH OH!! Looks like someone has a flat tire! Hes getting out of the car.AND HES TRYING TO PATCH A TIRE WITH A SEWING NEEDLE!! Looks like someone needed to finish the second grade..up front the #3 Black F-150 has got a sizeable lead. Oh, Dear! It looks like a wild bunch of coyotes have entered the field. (the driver is shaking his hand out the window)and the driver hits the coyotes and flies off the track!...YIKES! Looks like the driver probably used something other than Ziploc for the windshield!! Meanwhile, here comes the #5 Ford and it breaks through the finish line (The finish line is a clothesline strung across the track) Bacco: Thank you, Mune. The driver of the #5, Mark Myewords was disqualified for having an improper fuel source: His mothers zesty, testy, feisty, 100% fat BBQ Sauce.and on that note, well end todays recap. Tune back tomorrow for more action! (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 13th, 2006
10:29 pm	I'm Sorry Guys... I owe you about 65 blogs that now sit on MySpace. http://blog.myspace.com/daNASCAT But I will start posting here again..I kinda remembered you were here like 3 minutes ago. (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 9th, 2006
4:30 pm	Ode to Minesweeper Ode to Minesweeper The lights in the room are dim Save one glowing object It is a monitor blue in death The computer I did not protect You see, some sneaky little viruses, Have found in my firewall a whole And have dispatched little mines, That can eat my files whole. Their ruler, a yellow head, Gives a snarky grin at me. He decides to give me a chance To set my computer free. The remnants of damaged computer code Flash numbers like “3” and “1” My damaged mainframe can still tell me Where those mines have run I pick my way through, I click without rest And then when ‘skill’ fails me, I sweat with every guess The blocks look like little countries Proudly flags fly o’erhead, But they are the symbol, Of what will make me dead. Sixty flags….fifty flags, I identify more spies, I make my way around them The numbers tell no lies The yellow man has laid a cluster, The danger comes more real Boxes full of magenta fives, And a 6’er made of teal. 20 mines left to be found, But I find myself tiptoe I am still quite wary Despite my disappearing foe. The little yellow man With every perilous click, Makes a taunting gasping look, Playing a mind trick. Two flags…one flag.. The last box I take KABOOM! Oh, I have made a mistake. The viruses attack and kill, Databases and stories lame That is until a new screen pops up And I remember it is just a game (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, January 2nd, 2006
12:14 pm	Philosophy of 2006 Love is an idea...a mere grasp upon which we hold. And because of this, we are able to bend it, like you can an idea. And because of this, we hold onto love....like we do not hold onto something else. We might obsess over weights & measures...if they changed. If love was one constant come hell or high water, we would toss it aside...and the human race lost. Love is not mass. Mass is there. It is always there. You put it in one of Mrs. Thomas' Chemistry problems and it comes out the same. You can not create mass. You can not destroy it. Love CAN be created. Sadly, it CAN be destroyed. I believe and commit myself to unconditional love. Most of you reading this....know that I care about you in some way...and whatever you do...my view of you will not be changed. For many, love is like that blasted mass equation. You put something into the relationship, and some way or another it comes out different. Hopefully, you get more out of the reaction than expected, but sadly the equation runs out of gas in some other cases. Things really sound good a 3: 09 AM. (Comment on this)
Thursday, December 8th, 2005
5:18 pm	MY FIRST CHAIN LETTER Hi, No this isn't a chain letter....yet I've been taking the class "Tricking Gullible People 101" And this is my project....a chain letter. So since you all (not really most of you: those who don't THANK YOU) who keep clogging my inbox...here's something to clog up yours ----------------------------------- NOTE: If you don't send this within 10 minutes of getting this, you'll become Osama Bin Laden's 100th wife (if your a girl) and Osama Bin Laden's 99th wife's 100th husband. If you a transexual, nobody wants you anyway. HI, My name is Julie Solup, And I keep writing chain letters. But one day something came into my inbox, and my Yahoo inbox viewed it as SPAM and trashed it. Now I have cancer. So before I die, fill this out. Supposably if youve seen over 70 you have no life...like I will soon (cough) () Rocky Horror Picture Show () Grease () Pirates of the Caribbean ( ) Boondock Saints ( ) The Mexican ( ) Fight Club ( ) Starsky and Hutch ( ) Neverending Story ( ) Blazing Saddle ( ) Airplane () The Princess Bride ( ) Young Frankenstien () AnchorMan: The Legend of Ron Burgandy () Napoleon Dynamite ( ) saw ( ) White Noise ( ) White Oleander () Anger Management () 50 First Dates ( ) Jason X () Scream ( ) Scream 2 () Scream 3 () Scary Movie () Scary Movie 2 () Scary Movie 3 ( ) American Pie () American pie 2 ( ) American Wedding () Harry Potter () Harry Potter 2 ( ) Harry Potter 3 ( ) Resident Evil I ( ) Resident Evil 2 ()The Wedding Singer ()Little Black Book ()The Village ( )Donnie Darko () Lilo & Stitch () Finding Nemo ( ) Finding Neverland ( ) 13 Ghosts () Signs () The Grinch ( ) Texas Chainsaw Massacre () White Chicks ( ) Butterfly Effect ( ) Thirteen Going on 30 ( ) I, Robot () Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story ( ) Universal Soldier ( ) A Series Of Unfortunate Events () Along Came Polly ( ) Deep Impact ( ) KingPin ( ) Never Been Kissed ( ) Meet The Parents ( ) Meet the Fockers ( )Eight Crazy Nights () A Cinderella Story ( ) the Terminal () The Lizzie McGuire Movie () Passport to Paris () Dumb & Dumber () Dumb & Dumberer () Final Destination ( Final Destination 2 ( ) Halloween () The Ring () The Ring 2 ( )Harold & Kumar Get the Munchies ( ) Practical Magic ( ) Chicago ( ) Ghost Ship ( ) From Hell ( ) hellboy () Secret Window () I Am Sam ( ) The Whole Nine Yards () The Day After Tomorrow ( ) Child's Play ( ) Bride of Chucky ( ) Ten Things I Hate About You () Just Married () Gothika ( ) Nightmare on Elm Street () Sixteen Candles ( ) Coach Carter ( ) Bad Boys () Bad Boys 2 ( ) Joy Ride ( ) Seven () Ocean's Eleven ( ) Ocean's Twelve ( ) Identity ( ) Lone Star ( ) Bedazzled ( ) Predator I () Predator II () Independence Day ( ) Cujo ( ) A Bronx Tale ( ) Darkness Falls ( ) Christine () ET ( ) Children of the Corn ( ) My Boss' daughter () Maid in Manhattan ( ) Frailty ( ) Best Bet ()How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days ()She's All That ( ) Calendar Girls ( ) Sideways () Mars Attacks ( ) Event Horizon () Ever After () Forrest Gump ( ) Big Trouble in Little China ( ) X-Men ( ) X-2 ( ) Jeepers Creepers ( ) Jeepers Creepers 2 ( ) Catch Me If You Can ( ) The Others () Freaky Friday ( ) Reign of Fire ( ) Cruel Intentions () The Hot Chick ( ) Swimfan () Miracle () Old School ) Ray () The Notebook ( ) K-Pax ( ) Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring () Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers () Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King () A Walk to Remember ( ) Boogeyman () Hitch ( ) The Fifth Element () Star Wars Episode I The Phantom Menace ( ) Star Wars Episode II Attack of The Clones () Star Wars Episode III Revenge of The Sith ( ) Star Wars Episode IV A New Hope ( ) Star Wars Episode V The Empire Strikes Back () Star Wars Episode VI Return of The Jedi... ( ) Troop Beverly Hills ( ) Swimming with Sharks ( ) Air Force One ( )For Richer or Poorer ( ) Trainspotting ( ) People Under the Stairs ( ) Blue Velvet () Sound of Music ( ) Parent Trap 1 () Parent Trap 2 ( ) The Burbs () The Terminator ( ) Empire Records ( ) SLC Punk () Meet Joe Black ( )Nightmare Before Christmas ()The Silence of the Lambs............2nd FAVE ( ) Sleepy Hollow ( ) I Heart Huckabees ( ) 24 Hour Party People ( ) blood in blood out Thank you, and god bless you, Julie Solup (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 7th, 2005
10:26 pm	SORRY STARKS>>>>TOP 10 REASONS WHY.... Today: Why you shouldn't eat Heinz. 10) SOY SAUCE...by the makers of your ketchup.... 9) Remember these are the same people that brought you -Jack Daniel's BBQ Sauce -Green and Purple Ketchup 8) They cheated a New York Yankee....which is saying alot Yankee great Joe DiMaggio reportedly lost out on a $10,000 promotional deal with Heinz when his major-league record hitting streak ended at 56 games in July 1941 7) They sponsor... The Pittsburgh Steelers Stadium!!! a.k.a. Ketchup Bowl How much did they pay for it? Answer: $57 million 6) It took them 100 years to realize that upside ketchup packages were a good idea 5) Ketchup has natural mellowing agents!! Garrison Keillor has uncovered the truth!! Ketchup makes you mellow out. The ancedote for Red Bull? Maybe not, but "You need more ketchup, Jim. Ketchup has natural mellowing agents that keep you proactive not reactive" PHC Skit 6/18/05 4) Look down at your dog There's a 25 % chance your dog is eating food from the same company that makes your mustard....and your baby's baby food. 3) They're not going to get away with it..... "EAT KETCHUP!!! BE HEALTY!!!" Question: Do you put your ketchup on a double pounder or an apple? Well, for all you apple ketchup fans, Heinz is MORE healthy. Yum!!!! 2) They Discriminate against Canadians!!! Canadian moms and dads could spend all day surfing this site. It's packed with expert nutritional information, free coupons and tips, meal planners and the latest products and promotions. Click Here to find out all you need to know about feeding your baby right. FROM THE WEBSITE We Canadians have more interesting things to do Like watch hockey or go to a tree funeral WE ARE NOT REVITED TO THE HEINZ CANADA WEBSITE 1) The heiress Mellisa Heinz Kerry? Her husband? John Kerry! We asked him to comment, but he appears to have disappeared of the face of the Earth. SO SMILE YOU'VE GOT FRENCHS, TIM QUIEVRYN (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 6th, 2005
8:09 pm	WHEN CANADIANS ATTACK....CAST UNITED STATES George Bush.............President Dick Cheney.........Vice President Condoleezza Rice........Sec. of State Richard Myers.........Chief of Staff Carl Rove................Chief Counsel Donald Rumsfeld.....Sec. of Defense CBN Mary Cohen.........Anchor Peter Jennings.....Dead Guy, ABC news Host CANADA: Colin Powell........Form US Sec of State Paul Martin...........Canadian Prime Minister (Comment on this)
7:39 pm	WHEN CANADIANS ATTACK.... Chase…this is yours….run with it. For Republicans….forgive me. For those with no political knowledge, try to understand some of this. For Canadians, here is your dream fantasy. When Canadians Attack Scene 1 (All you can see is a TV…..it’s playing Days of Our Lives) Emily: Brad, What are you saying? Brad: Emily, I’m madly in love with Zanika!!! Emily: NOO!! Wait, who is Zanika? Brad: I don’t know….looks like the script writers have run out of names for me to have affairs with. (TV Screens flashes, turns blue, then to a news studio) Anchor: Hello, this is CBN, Canadian Broadcasting Network. I’m Mary Cohan. We have some BREAKING NEWS. YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE IT, EH? After this break…. (Run through Clorox commercials and Viagra and Jell-O) Anchor: Welcome back to CBN!!! Everyone in News Studio: GOD BLESS PETER JENNINGS!!! Anchor: Paul Martin, prime minister of Canada has made a shocking announcement. Let’s go to Mark Feralds in Ottawa. Feralds: Apparently under pressure today from members of his own cabinet, Paul Martin announced a top-secret government program. The government of Canada, for years, has been building cold air and snow in a factory in the Northwest Territories. Whenever the Canadian government has a tiff with the United States, the blizzards are leashed upon the United States, wreaking havoc on the American economy and bringing transportation to a standstill. (plays clip) Paul Martin: We have used this since the 1970s during negotiations over those fleeing the Vietnam War. We take responsibility for the snowstorm yesterday that paralyzed DC during negotiations over Canadian beefs. To the American people, we can say we’re sorry and….PLEASE DON’T BOMB US!!! Feralds: Then, as by Canadian law, Mr. Martin had to repeat himself in French. These were aggressive words used by Mr. Martin, eh, Mary? Anchor: Thank you, Mark. However, the president of the United States, George W. Bush did not take this nicely. He quickly and without notice, inserted a 1-sentence resolution for war with Canada in the “New England Dairy Farmers Act of 2005.” That bill passed 99-1. We have not heard from the President of the United States at this time about further actions. (screen begins to fade out, begin to see parts of a room, though TV stays center) However, we heard from Dick Cheney this hour. (clip played) Cheney: Yeah, I’ll tell you one thing worse than Canadians. THE PRESS!!! Now get out of my face, you f---------- b------------. (Finally, the camera has faded out. Broadcast becomes a background. You now realize you are in the Oval Office) Rice: I can’t believe they interrupted Days of Our Lives….for this!!! Bush: I can’t believe Brad’s in love with Zanika! Cheney: To the war, Mr. President. Mr. Rumsfeld, what do we know about the Canadian forces. Rumsfeld: I don’t like to call them Canadians. We call them “the forces of evil who bring cold to the Earth’s heart.” The forces are weak and pushovers. We have reason, though, to worry about one group of elite forces….Mr. Myers will explain. Myers: Mr. President, this group of “the forces of evil who bring cold to the Earth’s heart” are quick tricky. They are good spies, the toughest police officers and quite lethal if you get in your way. They are called the “Monty Pythons.” Rice: How do we stop them? Myers: Simple. We cut down a tree in the middle of nowhere. Rice: General, if a tree falls in the forest, and nobody is around to hear it, did it really fall? Myers: Trust me, Mrs. Rice. Canadians will rush to the site to have a memorial service for the fallen tree…and then WE WILL AMBUSH THEM. Rumsfeld: Another thing, Mr. President. The Canadians are now producing acid snow in those factories. This could cause a great deal of damage to our country. Cheney: We don’t know how to stop it? Rumsfeld: Of course we do. I just haven’t though of an illogical name to call these snowflakes yet. Rice: WMDs Bush: Whopping Mega Deathballs. Condiliza, I want…. Rice: It’s Condoleezza, Mr. President. Bush: Looks like SOMEBODY went to college. Condoleezza, how many people are there in Canadia? Rice: It’s Canada, Mr. President. Bush: I AM THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. I ALONE WILL DETERMINE WHAT WE CALL THEM! Cheney: Mr. President, the Antichrists...sorry…press, are reporting that Canadians think they will win the war. Bush: Don’t have a heart attack, Mr. Cheney. I will show them who they are dealing with. Mr. Rumsfeld, begin military action. Mr. Myers, go tell my speechwriter to write a primetime speech. Condi, when will be the best time to reach the Canadian public. Rice: (flips through some pages) There’s a hockey game on ABC tonight at 9. Bush: GREAT. Carl, go tell the director of EPA to get rid of all environmental rules. Take all the filters out of factories. Smog up those skies. We’re going to fight those Canadians with GLOBAL WARMING!!! Rove: You did that 7 months ago, Mr. President. You know? The ‘Pretemptive Spike.’ Bush: Oh, that’s right. Then go ask for a couple of my friends at Exxon to dump some oil in Hudson Bay. Mr. Cheney, it’s back to the underground bunker. Cheney: Can we at least get some light down there? The bulb has been burned out for months. Bush: Dick, changing the lightbulb would be giving into the forces of darkness. We must let that lightbulb shine anyway it wants to shine because it’s a free country. We ARE STAYING THE COURSE WITH THAT LIGHTBULB!!! Everyone got it? This is war people, MOVE!!! Scene 2 (White House Dining Room. Bush yelling at Cook. Enter Rove and Rice) Bush: ARE YOU CRAZY? Who told you to serve me pancakes with CANADIAN MAPLE SYRUP? Bring me pancakes with my FAVORITE TOPPING (Cook leaves) Rove: Mr. President, we’ve finished your speech. Rice: We need you to practice your French. We want every Canadian to hear you. Bush: (flips through) ‘Je puis que je suis plus intelligente de vous.’ Rice: Mr. President, that’s pronounced “pu-is” no “pi-ss.” Bush: I AM THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. I’LL ALONE WILL DETERMINE HOW TO SAY THE LANGUAGE. Rice: Mr. President, you just used the word….oh never mind. (Cooks re-enters. Pancakes are covering in oil) Cook: 102 Octane, sir. Bush: Excellent. (begins to eat) Rove: Mr. President, perhaps you should brush your teeth before you speak, eh? Bush: What did you just say? Rove: I used the word, ‘duh’, not ‘eh’, Mr. President. I promise. Bush: Thank you, Carl. Go leak something to the news media, will you? SCENE 3 (White House bedroom. President is getting changed) Laura Bush: Isn’t it exciting, George? Canadians have free healthcare, high literacy, and best of all NO Starbucks. Which program are you going to follow when we win the war? President Bush: I’m going to drill for oil!! (Laura rolls eyes. Knock on the door.) Rove: Mr. President, are you decent? Bush: That depends on the definition of decent…heh heh…come on in. Rove: Mr. President, can we talk in the videoconference room? Bush: Where’s the videoconference room? Rove: Out the East Room, 3rd door on the right, elevator up two flights, five corridors past the press briefing room, 6th door on the right, and 3rd stall on the left. Bush: It’s in a bathroom? SCENE 4 (Rove & Bush squeezed in stall. Rumsfeld on other end of videophone) Bush: Why are we in a bathroom? Rove: This is top secret information. So go to a top secret place. Bush: And no one is going to look in the stall while were talking? Rove: Are you suggesting that there is a gay Republican in the White House? Bush: Carl Sagan. I hired him because I just like to hear him say talk about the national debt. (imitates voice) ‘Misteer Presidant, we are trilliyuns and trilliyuns of dollars in dhe red!’ Rumsfeld: GENTLEMEN. Listen, Mr. President, I have some news that you will not believe. Bush: My Exxon stock is going down? Rove: It’s worse. Colin Powell has joined the Canadians. Bush: Colin Who? Rumsfeld: You know, Mr. President, the man that used to be your Secretary of State? Bush: Oh, great. Him. Now he’ll go spill our secrets to the Canadians. Rove: Actually, Mr. President, you didn’t tell him anything. Bush: Oh, that’s right. Anything else? Rumsfeld: Worse news. David Letterman has come out with his top-10 list (flips switch; screen turns to Letterman) Letterman: #3 on the list of why Canadians have secret weapons…..They could clog up our lakes with syrup. (audience laughter) #2………..They watch hockey fights……(laughter)…..and #1………They know how to snowball fight…(laughter) Bush: Heh…heh. This is funny. Carl, go get me some pretzels. Rove: Mr. President, it’s not the list. Rumsfeld: The Canadians are ACTUALLY following Letterman’s suggestions. (pulls up map) The Canadians are using their WMDs to overrun border checkpoints. They have dumped 500 million gallons of syrup into the Missouri, Potomac and St. Lawrence Rivers, rending the water immobile. And they’ve shot rabies darts into caribou in Maine and New Hampshire. Rove: Mr. President, you’re our commander in chief. Go in. Lead an air squadron. Turn the battle around. Bush: I have no clue how to fly a military aircraft. Never been around one. Rove: I thought you were in the Air National Guard Bush: Oh, yeah. I kind of forget about that when the aliens zapped me up in their UFO, and told me how to build spacecraft to go to Mars. Then they zapped my memory clean off…yes sir’ee. Curse Clinton for never getting to the National Missle Defense. Rumsfeld: Whatever the case, Mr. President, I believe it is necessary for you to lead the ground invasion. Scene 5 (TV plays, showing CBN news) Anchor: Welcome back to CBN! Everyone in Studio: GOD BLESS PETER JENNINGS!!! Anchor: And here’s the latest developments in the “War Against Violent Thermic Extremism.” -Today, 752 members of a Canadian grassroots campaign on foreign policy, “Doubt on About,” (Anchor should pronounce ‘Doobt on Aboot’) entered the Pentagon, and flushed all 760 toilets in protest of the war. That burst the pipes making the Pentagon, as Donald Rumsfield put it, “Awash with stains of a mess inside one’s pants.” Clean-up will take three weeks. -Vice-President Cheney, in his secret bunker, sent a press release today In no circumstances do I talk to the press You are all bloodsuckers -Caribou infested with rabies have been attacking American coffee company, Caribou Coffee, today, killing 35 coffee drinkers. The owners say the people were drinking “Quintiple Crappichino” brand, which seems to particularly upset the animals. -Rev. Al Sharpton declares the whole war racist. ‘The President has no clue what he is doing. That’s why you should of voted for me. Who wants to sing all 18 verses of Go Tell it on the Mountain?’ Scene 5 (Icy Tundra of Northwest Territories. Bush leads Army of 23,000 troops) Bush: CONDI!!! Rice: Yes, Mr. President. Bush: You said it was 500 miles to the factory from the border. That sign says it’s been 500 miles. Rice: That’s kilometers. You know, the metric system. Bush: CURSE THEIR FRENCH AND THEIR METRICS!!! (approaches sign) Bush: ‘Free Oil This Way.’ Ok, everybody time to make a turn (Miles ahead, the army enters a large ice shelf. Suddenly, they hear popping noises.) Bush: What’s going on? Myers: The Monte Pythons have set up a perimeter of mines. They’re blowing this ice shelf off mainland (Sure enough, the blasts finish, and the ice shelf begins to float away) Rice: Mr. President, what do we do? Bush: I sure wish John Kerry had taught me how to windsurf….I could get us out of this quicker than I got us out of Iraq. Rice: Mr. President, we’re still in Iraq. Bush: Oh, that’s right. At least we’ve got oil? Anyone up for some pancakes? (Days Pass) Bush: Is it just me, or is this piece of ice melting faster than the budget surplus of 2001? Rice: Remember how you ordered global warming speedup? Bush: Oh, yeah. Well, I guess we’re going run out of land soon. (sighs) Only one thing left to do. Scene 6 (Underground shelter. Pitch dark. Cheney inside) Cheney: I wish they’d hurry up. (Cell phone goes off somewhere…..ring tone “SpongeBob SquarePants”) Cheney: Where is it? (runs into something in the dark) (voice mail clicks on) Voice of Cheney: Hey, it’s Dick. If you’re a member of the press, DROP DEAD. Otherwise, leave a message, and I’ll get back to you after surgery. Voice of Bush: Hey, Dick. We’re kinda floating off on a large ice shelf. My friends at Exxon only have one ship in the area….the Valdez….so it looks like we may be waiting a little while. If we don’t make it back, you’re the president…..hey, don’t have a heart attack. I have faith in you. You did a great job…um…doing whatever you used to do. Alright, I’m got some pretzels coming out of the oven…..Did you ever realize how interesting hockey really is….Bye! Cheney: I’M THE……..(bangs into something)….ok….where is the door? (stumbles around in the dark) Scene 7 (Place in Ottawa with a much cooler name than “The White House” Martin: Well, what do we do now? Bush took the bait and he’s out of the picture. Dick Cheney is….somewhere. We certainly can’t invade. Member of Cabinet A: WHY NOT? Martin: Lots of Mexicans. Anyone speak Mexican? Member of Cabinet B: It’s Spanish, sir. The language is Spanish Martin: I AM THE PRIME MINISTER OF CANADA!!! I alone will determine what language they speak! Beside, anyone want to put ANOTHER language on all our packages? (collective groaning) Colin Powell: Mr. Martin, I have an idea. Scene 8 (CBN TV Studio) Anchor: Welcome back to CBN!!! Everyone in studio: GOD BLESS PETER JENNINGS!!! Anchor: Let’s go now to the Maple Garden at the White House. Announcer: And now the president of the United States! Et vraiment, le presidente de l’ Etais-Unis! Powell: Good morning, loyal members of United States!!! Press: GOD BLESS PETER JENNINGS!!!! Powell: I am proud to announce, we’re going to make some changes to our country. I officially declare hockey the national pastime!!! I am replacing the likeness of Theodore Roosevelt on Rushmore with Peter Jennings!!! Most importantly, CANADIAN BEEF FOR EVERYONE!!! And now an address from my vice-president, David Letterman. Thank you and GOD BLESS PETER JENNINGS!!! (Letterman stands up) Letterman: And know for the top 10 list on “Why We Can’t Find Dick Cheney…” (laughter and cheers) FINISH/FINIR (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 3rd, 2005
5:28 pm	Top 8 Reasons Why.............. Today: Why You Should Not Trust Leichtensteinians 7) It's tallest mountain is called.... Grauspitz...an idiom in Leichenstein (like saying "From the Dog's Mouth"), meaning "Grease Pit" 7) Everything is named after castles..... The art museums, the dining halls, the concert halls, the prince's house. IT'S A SIGN. 6) They named their country.... After a castle in Austria 500 miles away. IT CLEARLY shows their desire for world domination. 5) The Golden Rule of Politics If you can't pronounce the guy's name, he shouldn't be ruling over you. (Or in the United States the guy with the least number of letters in his name wins....except for Dole of course) Otmar Hasler III......say it once.....now SAY IT FIVE TIMES FAST 4) Outsourcing.... You think United States call centers jobs are bad. That's why they all go to India. But Leichtenstein has the highest per capita amount of call center jobs. So maybe they're secretly disguising their voice to act Indian...so the world declares war on India....eliminating it's competition....clever, huh? Who thinks I sound like Ross? 3) Literacy doesn't apply.............. Leichtensteinians have a 100% literacy rate. Yet they call their monarch, Otmar Hasler III, first. (Leichtenstein term for king) So does that make him Otmar Hasler the Third the First. 2) Their Parliament/Senate is called.... The Diet. Ok, maybe it's not that bad. The low-fat 25 member session is better than our glutonous 100 person Senate. Not to mention Senators are fat to begin with. 1) You don't pay attention to it.... Nobody even knows Leichtenstein exists........nobody comes.....nobody goes. Which means they're probably building a super-army and nukes without us noticing. You think I'm crazy....they're the world leader in prescion instruments manufacturing So what have I taught you. Leichtensteinians are secretly ruthless and have resented their minorityship and are ready to revolt. BE READY!!!! Your Faithful Canadian, Tim P.S. TRUST ME, we Canadians have NO plans to take over the world.....really (Comment on this)